We put so much into it

As athletes we put so much into our chosen discipline.  Time, energy, money.  We train in the freezing rain while our friends are at happy hour only so we can come home, clean a bike, grab a quick bite to eat and hop in bed so we can do it all over again.  We sacrifice time with loved ones yet they understand this is important to us so we try to make the most of the time we have together.  They even put up with us dragging them to races and stand in the rain for hours while we completely ignore them while we obsess over tire pressure and the perfect line, all so they can watch us ride by eight times before we get back into the car and go home.  As athletes we put an incredible amount of pressure on ourselves.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a 500+ lbs. man trying to lose weight, a seasoned PRO or an amateur balancing a career and engagement with just a dream of one day being called “pro,” we all put an enormous amount of pressure on ourselves to perform and make our team, friends, family and even sponsors proud to say “I know that guy.”
But how do you react when you let these people down?  We’ve all had days where we didn’t have the legs, got caught behind the crash or equipment has failed us.  To us, it doesn’t matter.  We expected to perform at a certain level and we didn’t do it.  When Cycling Dirt interviewed Adam Myerson after his crash at the 2011 Bay State Cyclocross Day 2 he said, "it's just stupid bike racing, you know.  But it means everything."  This could not be more.  Yes, it’s just a bike race.  In the grand scheme of things it has absolutely no bearing or consequence on the rest of the world but it means absolutely everything to us.  We are the ones expected to emerge triumphant at the end of the race, proud of our accomplishments and inspiring others.  Instead, we end up downtrodden, thinking about what might have been. 
 

This quote was the first thing that came into my mind when I had to pull out of today’s race.  My total racing time for the past three races comes out to one hour and thirty one minutes; half of what it should be.  A week ago I raced at Heiser Farms and go crashed out with a broken, rim, derailleur and hanger.  A day later I finished Cross Crusade-Alpenrose 32^nd by wading my way through 52 racers after a last row start.  Then today I crashed out of Cross Crusade-Rainier with a rolled tubular and broken shifter.

How do you deal with this disappointment?  How can you keep your head high when you’re wheeling your broken bike back to the tent and you pass by all the people waiting to cheer for you as you go racing by?  How do you handle a “DNF” next to your name on the results sheet?  Now, how do you do that three times over the course of three weeks?

You can discount it and make as many excuses as you want but in the end you didn’t complete the task.  As an athlete, when you toe that line you’re signing up to go out there and give it your all until the buzzer sounds or the checkered flag waves.  Anything less than that is failure.  (I know this sounds harsh or dramatic but that’s really what it comes down to)

I’ll tell you how I dealt with this disappointment today, I cried.  The last time I cried was years ago in a similar situation when I felt like I'd let all those around me down.  Yes, it’s still just some stupid competition where we ride bikes around in circles in the mud but in that moment it means absolutely everything. 

Why do we place this kind of pressure on ourselves if we feel that we are constantly setting ourselves up for failure?  I’ll tell you why, because on the days when it all comes together, you have the legs, the perfect tires/pressure and you ride outside of any limits you believed you previously had, those are the days that you truly feel accomplished.  No, those days don’t come along all that often, but when they do all the pressure inverts and propels you so high you feel like you’re floating in the clouds.

"It's just stupid bike racing, you know.  But it means everything"  Here’s to the next good day, may we float a little bit higher because of days like today.

NOTES:

1.  While the previous two mechanicals/DNFs were not my 'fault' I take full responsibility for today’s.  I glued the tire, I chose the pressure and I raced the bike.  While I’ve never had this happen before I have no one to blame but myself.

2.  I unashamedly 'borrowed' the title of this piece from Molly Cameron's piece titled "You Put So Much Into It" and expanded on it
3.  This piece, "Perspective" by Jason Alvarado of Embrocation Cycling Magazine echoes many of the same sentiments discussed above